So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
