Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
