I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
