If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
