Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
