you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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