i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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