Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
