I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
