He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just googled if crying burns calories
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
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