Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
