then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
