wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
