My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
