Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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