I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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