and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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