3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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