I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
