see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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