does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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