She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
