My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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