come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
