your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
