he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
