I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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