I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize