The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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