We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Randomize
