best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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