so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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