This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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