Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Girls should come with a carfax report
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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