Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
