im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
