Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
