you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
