Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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