DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
