Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
