On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize