We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
