Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
how drunk are you?
Several
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
