I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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