TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
