i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
