I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
