At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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