Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
