went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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