i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
