I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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