my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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