she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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