It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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