Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
