dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
