Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
My ATM looks so different sober.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
